<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Excerpts From an Unholy Union by Griever1337</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468692">Excerpts From an Unholy Union</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griever1337/pseuds/Griever1337'>Griever1337</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arson, Calliope and Caliborn are still a cherub, Combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell, F/F, Humor, M/M, Really Really Just Kinda Stupid, Slice of Life AU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 05:42:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,881</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468692</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Griever1337/pseuds/Griever1337</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Calliope works as the inexplicable sole employee of a combination Pizza Hut/Taco Bell. Despite their best efforts to satisfy any customer that comes their way, work can be very tiring, and with sleep comes a very, very shitty brother. Shenanigans take center stage inside this hellish duo of restaurants, piloted by an asynchronous pair.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caliborn/Dirk Strider, Calliope/Roxy Lalonde, Pizza Hut/Taco Bell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Excerpts From an Unholy Union</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>All the main characters are 26 for the purposes of this completely thoughtless AU. There's going to be a short chapter 2, also.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: hello! welcome to taco bell, and also pizza hUt! </span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: woUld yoU mind if i took yoUr order this fine day?</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: (it's kinda raining right now, isn't it? i don't think it's that fine a day.)</span><br/>
<span class="dave">
<span class="dave">DAVE: (frankly its one of the less egregious failings of a minimum wage job to expect employees to put on a happy face every day but it still sucks ass)</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: (not that i disagree but is this really the time)</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i'm sorry, can yoU speak Up?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: if yoU’re looking for someone to pity, then we don’t have that on the menU.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: (oh fuck)</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: (I can't believe you just got owned through intercom.)</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: (stfu)</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: please stop preaching to me and let me take yoUr order! before i fall asleep again...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: okay so</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: id like two number nines</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: a number nine large</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: a number six with extra dip-</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: dave none of us wanted a fucking number nine. much less three???</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: what even is a number nine here? there's no numbers on the menu!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: damnit june youre ruining the joke</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING NUMBERS AT ME.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: ALSO. WHY AM I HERE.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: sorry about the botched order! we have a very silly friend who thought it would be funny to make a “meme order”</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I DON'T THINK ANY OF YOU KNOW. WHO YOU'RE FUCKING WITH.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: YOU DON'T GET TO ORDER. I AM THE ONE WHO ORDERS. ORDER YOU TO DO THINGS FOR ME!</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: My, my. You’re certainly shaking the natural order of the workings of fast food customer service.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: I’ll call your bluff. I don’t think you’ve ever thought about what you would do if you ever got this far. </span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: YOU ARE CORRECT! AS A MATTER OF FACT. I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT IN MY LIFE.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: wow okay</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: what do you want, chump ass?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: MY FIRST ORDER. IS LET ME NAP.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: …</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: …</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: …</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: ...</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: I told you guys Sonic was a better idea. All the employees here are so bored by their jobs that they can’t help but fall asleep.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: At least there, you don’t get people falling asleep while they’re rolling around on their little roller skates.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: rose we all know that the real reason you want to go to sonic is that goth vampire lady that waited on you that one time!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: ZZZZZZZZZZ</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: Oh please. That was a long time ago.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: Kanaya and I have been dating for months.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: oh, seriously??? congrats, i guess!</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: aah…</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: My suggestion was actually for the sake of all of you. There’s not a single person in this car who wouldn’t succumb to the seductive allure of a cute waitress in roller skates.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: A contract as binding as time itself, yet as wistfully ethereal as a passing daydream. That is what you’ll find at Sonic. You don’t get that shit at Taco Bell or whatever.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: we’re talking about the corn dog place right?</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: corn dogs fucking suck.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: damn leave it to rose to make getting a shitty burger sound like summoning a demon </span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: hUh? what’s going...</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh my god i am so sorry! did i fall asleep, and did someone else come and take your order???</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh right he said hed order us or something but then he just said hed fall asleep</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: real fuckin bizarre even for usual dave strider fast food shenanigans</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: as far as pranks go it was kinda lame?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what the grand theft auto meme order or the weird guy on the speakers</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: both, dave. we all know that you haven’t played grand theft auto a single time in your life.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh god, i’m so sorry.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: that was my brother - he shoUldn’t have ever come oUt here dUring the daytime bUt i gUess work made me really sleepy…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: he wasn’t too rUde to yoU was he? wait, what am i saying, of coUrse he was.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: how DO you fall asleep in a job like this?</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: i feel like youd probably have some kind of manager or coworker to help you stay awake or at least keep your brother away from the microphone</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: Maybe they sent the manager to the hospital after one too many snide remarks. It’s what Kanaya did.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i mean, i’m the only employee here, actUally.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: wait the ONLY one?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i got hired a little while ago withoUt mUch in the way of an application process. apparently these restaUrants are spread oUt really thin these days in terms of employment.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: yoU’re actUally my first cUstomers, bUt i’ve been keeping myself busy by cleaning the place Up and pre-making most of the things on the menU.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: That certainly does explain why this place seems significantly less haunted and decrepit than it did a month ago. </span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: okay but do you have a number six with extra dip</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: how long have you been working here anyways?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: three days!</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: three days and we’re your first customers? yeesh, that kinda sucks.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: it’s been a little lonely for sUre, yes.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: my brother hasn’t exactly been good company, either. not that he’s really company, since he only comes oUt when i sleep after all.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: that sounds awful :(</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: its really starting to sound like we should come on over here more often doesnt it dave?</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: maybe even let other people know that this spot is in business</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i mean</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: fuck it why not what does everyone else think</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: i’ve got nothing better to do, and this person seems nice, so…</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: It’s not every day you find a Cherub working as the sole employee of two fast food restaurants. I’m down.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: a what</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: wait, how did yoU know i was a-</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: I like to think of myself as fairly up to date on the vast array of previously-thought mythological creatures on Earth. And Cherubs in particular are rather interesting, I find.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: You still haven’t predominated, I take it?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: well…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: let’s just say we’re both pretty stUbborn, my brother and i.</span><br/>
<span class="rose">ROSE: Fascinating.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: rose, you don’t have to treat them like a test subject, you know. </span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: what’s your name, anyways?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh, it’s calliope! </span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: it’s great to meet you, calliope. sorry that we basically spent this whole time talking your ear off instead of ordering our food!</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh yes, i probably should be taking your order now, shouldn’t i?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: well then, my new friends…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: what can i get you to eat?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: well</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: we could start with two number nines</span></span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span>A couple days later...</span><br/>
</p>
<p><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: You guys think this place Dave told us about is actually any good?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: I don’t exactly have high expectations for either of these two restaurants.</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: dirk chill ur ass </span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: dont be lyin 2 us we know your diet is basically insta noodles and mtn dew at this point</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: this is an improvement healthways! which is stupid btw</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Well.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: They do have better Mountain Dew.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Honestly, if you’re going to continue eating that which rots your teeth, you could at least have some of my homemade confectioneries.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Surely that would be preferable to your decision to delve into the effects of “gamer diet”, as you call it.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Oh im sure he will stop once the taste of his strange choice of pop starts doing a little jig on his taste buds and makes him unable to taste things. </span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: The jig is pretty miniscule right now. I’m sure I’ll hate it by the end of the month.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Whatever. What do you want to eat-</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: HEY THERE YOU FAT UGLY BITCHES. GO CLOSER TO THE FUCKING MENU SO I CAN YELL AT YOU.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: I’m…</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: What the fuck did you just call me!?</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Okay, I already don’t regret this, this is amazing.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT IF YOU ARE HERE TO ORDER FOOD. THEN I SHOULD GREET YOU PROPERLY. WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT MEANS!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: AND IN GENERAL. I LIKE TO FOLLOW THE **RULES**. UNLESS IT RESTRICTS WHAT I CAN DO. IN A WAY THAT I DISLIKE.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: I don’t like your tone, mister.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: But I’m going to go ahead and pull up so we can get over with this-</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: WELCOME!!!</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: SHIT!</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Do you HAVE to yell so FUCKING LOUD???</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: WELCOME TO BIG BITCH FAST FOOD WHERE THE ONLY EMPLOYEE IS A BIG FAT STUPID BITCH WHO I'D LIKE BETTER IN A SHALLOW GRAVE.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Wow. And I thought I hated myself.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: YOU DON'T GET IT. I HATE MY SISTER. WHO IS THE ONLY WORKING PERSON HERE, TO MY KNOWLEDGE. BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS DRIVEN AWAY BY HER STINK.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: So what you're saying is you're unemployed.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I HAVE ACHIEVED SUPREME UNEMPLOYMENT, YES.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Are you doing anything on Saturday? Of course you're not, you don't have a job.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: I think we should hang out and shoot the shit at my house, where I can show you my twenty page dissertation on Vegeta's unique brand of musculature.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: NOBODY COOL EATS VEGETABLES, ASSHOLE.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Ohhhh man. You are just a fascinating little man, aren’t you?</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Dirk we dont know how tall he is and given your height-</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Shush.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Dirk, I didn't bring you here to FLIRT with a minimum wage failure, much less an unemployed, unprofessional...whatever the hell this guy is! </span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Just tell me your goddamn order already!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Oh, dirk probably just wants some fries of the french variety its really not all that big a kerfuffle we are dealing with here.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: NOBODY GETS TO HAVE FOOD. THAT'S NOT WHAT I DO HERE. THAT'S WHAT UNINTELLIGENT SHITHEAD SISTERS DO.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: That's not how you run a fucking business!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Tomorrow, three in the afternoon. I'll be here, with my sword out.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: He may be making an innuendo but i assure you he simply has more anime weapons than you could possibly imagine.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: HMM.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I’LL SEE WHERE I’M AT. IN TERMS OF LOCATION.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: BUT UNTIL THEN. I’M GOING TO FUCKING BED. AND BY BED. I MEAN I’M LAYING FACE DOWN ON THIS COUNTERTOP.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Good lord dirk his sleeping habits are almost as good as yours!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: I feel like you guys have really stepped up your dunks in the past few days. I’m really proud of you.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh god did my brother talk to yoU while i was asleep?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i'm so sorry, he sUcks so bad. i'll take yoUr order right away!</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Give me your brother.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Tell your brother to get a job like a functioning member of society!</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: omg yall are actin so fuckin rude</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: sry my friends r all terminally out of their minds</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: what was ur name again</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh it's calliope!</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: aight listen callie ima slip you a twenty dollar tip and my number after jane orders the food</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: that's very kind of yoU!</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: ...wait what nUmber</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I BELIEVE I HAVE FOUND THE SOLUTION. TO OUR LABOR TROUBLES.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: oh boy.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: YOU SEE. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO WORK TWO RESTAURANTS. AS MY DUMB MORON SISTER HAS TO DO.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: AND I WOULD ENJOY THE STRESS IT CAUSES. EXCEPT THAT I DO NOT GET TO SEE IT. AND ALSO I HAVE TO STAND HERE BEING REALLY BORED.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: SO I FIGURED IT OUT. WE CAN DIVIDE THE WORK UP. BETWEEN THE ONE PERSON. THAT IS THE TWO OF US.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: AND THIS FOOD HOUSE IS VERY SPECIAL! IN THAT IT ALLOWS US TO DO THIS VERY EASILY.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: ALL I HAVE TO DO. IS THE MAKING OF THE “TACO BELLS”. WHILE MY SISTER. HANDLES THE “PEE, IT’S A HAT.”</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: never pronounce that that way ever again, please. </span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: god, and people tell ME that i pronounce things weirdly!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: YOU CAN’T STOP ME!!! IT’S THE PERFECT SCHEME!!!</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: okay, but like...</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: first of all, you don’t know how to cook or use anything here. </span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: second of all, how would you switch around with callie in the first place? and if you have a way to do that, can you do that right now, because i’d like it if i didn’t have to see you.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: WELL-</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: third, even if you COULD switch with callie at will, which you CAN’T by the way...</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: what if someone orders food from both pizza hut and taco bell? would you be able to switch around a bunch in that short a time?</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: it kinda sounds like you haven’t put any thought into this. which like, i guess that’s what i should’ve expected, since you’re obviously a thoughtless prick?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: LISTEN.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: ANY GOOD FOOD INDUSTRY SCHEME. INVOLVES MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF HIGH LEVEL IMPROVISATION. WHICH I AM A MASTER AT.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I WILL BECOME THE LORD OF THIS TWO X RESTAURANT COMBOB. AND YOU WILL GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR FUCKING MONEY.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: uh huh. have fun with that, weirdo!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: MAYBE I SHOULD JUST BORROW SOME OF MY SISTER’S STACKS OF CASH. AND USE IT ON SLEEPING PILLS. IN ORDER TO PUT US TO SLEEP WHENEVER WE WANT.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: do sleeping pills even exist?</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: also, fuck you, don’t steal their stuff!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS TURDGUZZLER!</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: actually...wait.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: how DOES calliope make money from this job anyways?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: HRRK</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: i mean...they’re the only one working here. and they don’t have any boss or anything…</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: so-</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: woah! hello there june, er…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: how did i wake Up all of a sUdden?</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: not a clue. how do you make money in this job?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i get a check in the mail every week from the next closest manager, or so i’ve been told!</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: it’s somewhat meager bUt i get by on it.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: huh. it feels like some weird bureaucratic steps have been skipped entirely there, but whatever.</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: …</span><br/>
<span class="john">JUNE: have you ever seen a movie called little monsters?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="dirk">DIRK: Excuse me.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Upon careful inspection, it looks like the pepperoni pizza you just sold me is, in fact, mozzarella cheese, ketchup, and pepperonis plastered onto 4 layers of tortillas.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Did you use the Taco Bell materials to make this by mistake?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: THE WHAT.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Also, the Sprite is all watery. Did you even prototype this shit?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: IF YOU FIND YOURSELF UNSATISFIED. YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND EAT MY ASS.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Don't mind if I do.</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: omfg dirk did u learn how to flirt from jane or somethin </span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: or was the next step in ur little guidebook, "courtship for dumbasses", literally to ask 2 speak w the manager</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="dave">DAVE: rose told me that cherubs turn into huge serpents sometimes</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: is it true that when that happens the sky turns dark and you shoot up into the air like youre being summoned by the fucking dragon balls</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: do you grant wishes and if so is it one or three </span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and when it all happens are you like big scaly winged dragons or are you more like huge dopey looking snakes with forked tongues</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: yoU know, we’re actUally both still virgins so i have no clUe!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what in dick is that supposed to even mean</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="jade">JADE: hey caliborn!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: PLEASE DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE ANY JOY IN YOUR LIFE UPON SEEING ME. IT IS SICKENING AND GROSS.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: oh come on</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: at least listen to what i have to say before you go and delve into your usual weird misogyny routine or start trying to boss us around again</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: me and a friend were thinking of burning down a competing fast food restaurant in the area</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: and since youre the one here who probably knows the most about arson i thought maybe we should ask you to come along!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: LISTEN. ANY TIME I GET TO BURN DOWN A BUILDING. I WILL DO IT WITHOUT ANY HESITATION.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: THAT IS ONE OF LIKE. THREE THINGS THAT I WOULD BE OKAY DOING. EVEN WITH THE BITCHES. ANOTHER WOULD BE DRAWING. AND SHOWING YOU MY COMPLETE MASTERY OF ALL FORMS OF ART. AND LAUGHING AT YOUR INFERIOR FACES.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: SPEAKING OF BITCHES. WHY DO YOU HAVE STRANGE FLUFFY BEAST EARS IN A PLACE NOBODY ELSE DOES.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: oh dont think about that too hard</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: but yeah that sounds awesome! </span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: anyways id also like to talk to callie too so if you could take one of those sleeping pills real quick</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: YOU KNOW. I ACTUALLY DON’T REALLY FEEL LIKE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I’M VERY BUSY. DOING NOTHING AT ALL. AND WASTING LOADS OF YOUR TIME.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: sheesh</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: they really werent kidding about you loving to be an inconvenience</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: come on take the pills</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I’M ACTUALLY MUCH MORE SURE THAT I WON’T NOW! </span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: why the FUCK not</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: BECAUSE YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THEM!</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: take the fucking pills or i will punch your lights out! i want to talk to callie!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: NO.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: yes!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: NO!</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: thats fucking it im coming over the counter</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: OH. SO YOU’RE APPROACHING ME?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME IN A FIGHT?</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: aaaUghhh…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i’m awake, i’m awake…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh, hello jade.</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: good to see you callie</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: finally geez</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: why are we behind the coUnter, with yoU pinning me down to the ground like this?</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: oh right uh</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: sorry if this looks gay to the customers hahaha</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: im kidding the only other person here is roxy</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh hi roxy!!!</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: heyo!!!</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: (they do b lookin a little gay from my pov view tho)</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: bUt yeah jade, er, i don’t think that answered my qUestion.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: why is there taco meat everywhere? why are there ripped portions of youUr dress and why is yoUr hair so much more messy than UsUal?</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: well i kinda got in a fight on the way here</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh geez</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: oh dont worry about me you shouldve seen the other guy!</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: oh my god is yoUr hand bleeding?</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: no thats not my blood actually</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: anyways i wanted to ask a question</span><br/>
<span class="jade">JADE: do you want to come along with me and roxy to set a chik-fil-a on fire</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: ...yoU know, any other place and i woUld’ve said no.</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">ROXY: fuck yeah!!! </span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i’ll just need some of my brother’s gasoline…</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="dirk">DIRK: So how did it feel to set ablaze a den of chicken and misplaced Christian values?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL. I SLEPT THROUGH THE VAST MAJORITY OF IT.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: APPARENTLY MY SISTER FELL ASLEEP ON THE SHOULDER OF YOUR STUPID MORON BIMBO FRIEND. WHILE THEY WATCHED THE FIRE BURN FROM A SAFE AND UNTRACKABLE DISTANCE.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Wait, what the hell was Jake doing there?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I AM TALKING ABOUT THE REGULAR STUPID MORON BIMBO. YOU ARE THINKING OF THE UNINTELLIGENT BUT RESPECTABLE MANBRO DUDE BIMBO.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: You could remember their names, you know.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: APPARENTLY THAT NIGHT WAS “ROMANTIC”. IT WAS DISGUSTING.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: That sucks, I guess.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: THE DOUBLE BITCH LADY HARLEY ALSO MADE ME LOSE A LOT OF BLOOD.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: AT LEAST I GOT TO FIND OUT THAT I TASTE GOOD ON QUESADILLAS.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Hot damn, you are a fucking mess.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: I like that about you. Wanna see if we can hunt and/or fight a bear? I’ll let you eat it whole if we find one.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: STOP TRYING TO USE GAY TERMINOLOGIES WITH ME. I DON’T KNOW OR CARE WHAT A BEAR IS. NOR DO I WANT TO KNOW THE “DOUBLE” ““ENTENDRE”” THAT EATING THEM INVOLVES.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: I am literally talking about animals, calm your ass down.</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">DIRK: Nevermind, just come to my apartment later and tell me whether it’s weird or not that I think that Rainbow Dash is still a cartoon icon.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="jake">JAKE: So, er, have you seen any good movies lately?</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i honestly dont see very many movies especially with this job taking so mUch out of me…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i sUppose i prefer to imagine scenarios and alternate Universes for certain pieces of media! it feels like that’s a lot more fun way to Use my time with the movies that i have watched!</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: bUt even with that in mind, i like the prodUcts of my imagination more often than i do any actUal films most of the time…</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: television and cartoons might be a different story, i gUess!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Thats all actually quite an interesting way to look at it all!</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Admittedly i have found myself having pretty similar thoughts about certain films especially that avatar film by james cameron hoo boy.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: ah, i dont think i ever saw that one…</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="jake">JAKE: Oh hello there caliborn my good awful arson chap! </span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: How does it go as you burn the midnight oil? Got any favorite films?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: EVERY DAY I LIVE IN HORROR OF MY SISTER WHOSE FAVORITE FILM IS SNAKES ON A PLANE.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: IT’S SO LEWD. SO ILLICIT. SO...SERPENTINE.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: AND YET. SHE CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF IT. SHE SITS THERE AND TAKES IN EVERY LAST DETAIL. AN UNENDING CASCADE OF SNAKES OVERLAPPING EACH OTHER.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: IT’S THE ONLY THING I ACTUALLY FEAR OF MY OTHERWISE COMPLETELY INFERIOR AND FAT AND UGLY AND AWFUL COUNTERPART.</span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Gotta love the big man sam jackson in it though. </span><br/>
<span class="jake">JAKE: Callie has some good taste i think!</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: FUCK YOU.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="jane">JANE: There sure are a lot of trolls in separate cars standing outside this combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I SEE ABOUT SIX. THAT’S NOT THAT MANY.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: What are they doing…?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: THEY’VE BEEN OUT THERE FOR AN HOUR ALREADY.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: That purple one looks like a deranged giant, and that pinkish one in the wetsuit is surprisingly familiar…</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Is the blue lady with the pirate outfit getting in a shouting match with them?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: THIS IS SURPRISINGLY ENTERTAINING.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Aren’t there laws that say that you can kick them off your property for loitering?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: THEY AREN’T LEAVING ANY TRASH ANYWHERE.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: You’re thinking of littering, you utter buffoon.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">JANE: Honestly! These are a bunch of hooligans that you should be dealing with, so why don’t you do that?</span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: ACTUALLY. </span><br/>
<span class="altcaliborn">CALIBORN: I HAVE AN IDEA.</span></p>
<p>
  <span>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span>
</p>
<p><span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: good morning! it’s good to see you!</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: sup</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: …</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: …</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: er</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: who are you?</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: after that stunt you pulled</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: id say im your new coworker</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: ah.</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: …</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: …</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: i’ll do the pizza hut shit and you can-</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: okay, fUck it. give it to me straight. what the fUck did my brother do this time.</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: set my "friends" cars on fire lmao</span><br/>
<span class="meenah">CONDESCE: it was hilarious so i decided fuck it ill work for that guy for two days</span><br/>
<span class="calliope">CALLIOPE: i'm...what!?!?</span><br/>
</p>
<p>
  <span></span><br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>